Is there a magic formula to make her like you?

When it comes to dating advice, most people are familiar with the basics: be yourself, communicate openly, and maintain a good appearance. However, there are lesser-known psychological techniques supported by research that can significantly enhance attraction. Here are some surprising and scientifically backed methods that dating coaches might not always disclose.

If you want to get instantly usable dating tips based on science-backed practices, see our guide here.

1. Self-Disclosure Technique

Arthur Aron’s famous experiment revealed that mutual self-disclosure can rapidly increase intimacy and attraction between two strangers. Aron created a list of 36 questions designed to progressively deepen the conversation. Participants who engaged in this structured self-disclosure felt significantly closer to each other, and some even developed romantic feelings. This highlights the power of sharing personal thoughts and experiences to foster a strong connection.

2. Emphasizing Similarity

A 2007 study found that people are more likely to be attracted to those who appear similar to them in beliefs and values. When participants believed that someone shared their views, they felt more drawn to that person, even if the similarity was fabricated. This suggests that highlighting common interests and values can enhance attraction.

3. Playing Hard to Get

The “scarcity principle” states that people often desire what seems difficult to obtain. A 2012 experiment demonstrated that individuals who are less available tend to be perceived as more attractive. This principle, often used in marketing, can also apply to dating by creating a sense of challenge and increasing the perceived value of the person.

4. Misattribution of Arousal

In the classic "suspension bridge" experiment by Donald Dutton and Arthur Aron, participants misattributed their heightened physiological arousal (from crossing a scary bridge) to attraction towards a person they met during the experience. Engaging in exciting or adrenaline-pumping activities together can create a similar effect, increasing perceived attraction.

5. The Reciprocity Principle

A 2010 study showed that people are more likely to feel attracted to those who give them gifts or perform favors. Known as the reciprocity principle, this psychological phenomenon suggests that acts of kindness and generosity can foster feelings of affection and attraction.

6. Foot-in-the-Door Technique

The foot-in-the-door technique involves making a small request before a larger one. A 1966 study by Freedman and Fraser demonstrated that people who agreed to a small favor were more likely to comply with a subsequent larger request. In dating, starting with small, easy requests can pave the way for deeper engagement and connection.

7. Eye Contact

A 1989 study revealed that prolonged eye contact can significantly increase feelings of intimacy and attraction. Participants who maintained eye contact for an extended period reported stronger feelings of connection and affection, underscoring the power of non-verbal communication in building attraction.

8. Mirroring

A 2010 study by van Baaren and colleagues found that mimicking another person’s body language can enhance their feelings of affinity towards you. This technique, known as mirroring, subtly communicates empathy and understanding, which can increase attraction and rapport.

9. Shared Secrets

Sharing secrets can create a sense of exclusivity and intimacy. A 2004 study by Wegner and colleagues found that when two people share a secret, it can strengthen their bond and increase mutual attraction. The act of confiding in each other fosters a unique connection.

10. Approach-Avoidance Dynamics

A 2011 study suggested that people are more attracted to those who are intermittently available. This approach-avoidance dynamic creates a sense of uncertainty and excitement, making the person seem more desirable.

11. The Love Languages

Gary Chapman’s theory of love languages posits that people express and receive love in different ways, such as through words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. Identifying and using your partner’s love language can enhance emotional connection and attraction.

12. Propinquity Effect

The propinquity effect, identified in a 1950 study, indicates that physical proximity and frequent interactions can increase the likelihood of forming romantic relationships. Simply being around someone more often can naturally enhance attraction.

13. Impressions Management

A 2009 study highlighted that creating a positive impression through compliments and positive feedback can increase attraction. People are drawn to those who make them feel good about themselves, underscoring the importance of positive reinforcement.

14. Warmth and Physical Warmth

A 2008 study found that physical warmth can enhance emotional warmth. For instance, holding a warm drink can make someone feel more positively about the person they are with. This surprising finding suggests that environmental factors can subtly influence attraction.

15. Synchrony

A 2010 study showed that people who move in synchrony, such as walking in step or mirroring gestures, feel a stronger connection. This non-verbal cue fosters a sense of unity and can enhance attraction.

16. Humor and Self-Deprecation

A 2006 study indicated that humor, especially self-deprecating humor, can increase attractiveness. Being able to laugh at oneself and not taking oneself too seriously are traits that people find endearing and approachable.

17. Complexity and Mystery

A 2011 study suggested that people are more attracted to those who exhibit a certain level of complexity and mystery. Not revealing everything about oneself can create intrigue and desire, keeping the other person engaged and curious.

18. Cultural Synchrony

A 2014 study found that shared cultural values and backgrounds can enhance attraction. Common cultural experiences and understanding foster a sense of belonging and mutual respect, strengthening the bond between individuals.

19. The Use of Positive Illusions

A 2012 study found that people tend to be attracted to those who hold positive illusions about them. This means that if someone idealizes you and focuses on your best qualities, you are more likely to feel attracted to them. The perception of being seen in a favorable light boosts self-esteem and fosters positive feelings.

20. Mutual Appreciation Effect

A 2009 experiment demonstrated that people are more likely to be attracted to those who express attraction towards them. This principle, based on self-esteem and reciprocity, suggests that showing interest can increase the likelihood of mutual attraction.

These psychological techniques and findings reveal that attraction can indeed be influenced by various subtle and strategic behaviors. 

I didn't go into the details here, and some may not have seemed dating-related, but this overview should have given you a good starting point. You can think about how to apply these methods in a dating situation.

If you're not the type to reinvent the wheel, check out my effective short course where I include these methods in actionable dating practice lessons.